The Smile That Hides The Fear

So yesterday on Facebook I posted a status and pic that could easily be seen as me full of  joy and happiness. That was true in that moment but pics don’t tell the story of the before and after. If I’m being completely honest the before was the complete opposite of joy and happiness and the after wasn’t much better. The day started with feeling anxious, sad and alone. What you don’t see is me sitting on the couch crying the hour before I left to get my hair makeover. I pondered not going and staying home but was able to recognize that doing so would lead me further down the rabbit hole of thinking of all the things that were heavy on my mind. I would stay focused on my fears (most of which are completely irrational). This is where the enemy wanted to keep me. Stuck on the couch with lies swirling in my mind and tears rolling down my face. I almost let the enemy win. I was able to muster the strength to get up and go. I wish I could say I got that strength from prayer and complete trust in God but in that moment that is not the case. You see this attack gripped me hard! So hard I wasn’t using the tools I have in my box for times like those. I know to go to God. I know to get on my knees. I know to pull out my fear scriptures. I know to exercise. I know! Yet at that time I wasn’t able to use those tools. I don’t know how exactly I got the strength but I’m thankful I did. I drove to my appointment blaring my current fav go to worship song Stand In Your Love. I sang like my life depended on it on the drive to my appointment as tears still fell. I got to my super sweet stylist’s salon and put on that smile that you see in the pic. It wasn’t necessarily fake because in that moment I was happy to be there. Happy to be engaged in female conversation. Happy to be in control of a change I could make when so many things in life are out of my control. I didn’t share my morning leading up to me getting there with her. Sometimes I wear that mask of “yep, I’m good”! Not that I am afraid to be vulnerable because I thrive in that space. Not that I don’t love and trust her. I do. I am most alive in conversation with other women being real and vulnerable. I didn’t because I knew what it took for me to get there and I didn’t want to fall back down the hole. I knew the tears would come again and if they started they  would be too hard to stop. The smile wasn’t fake but it was temporary. I left with the most fabulous new red hair that my stylist beautifully transformed from my previous blonde. I felt alive and great…until again I didn’t. I decided when I got home to share some of my inner most thoughts and feelings of what it’s like to experience debilitating anxiety with my husband, along with some of my frustrations. My frustrations stem from feeling completely misunderstood. He doesn’t experience anxiety so he doesn’t know what to do for me. How would he? He says, “Just stop.” There’s a novel idea. I should just stop. If only it were that easy! So we sat and talked while I cried and tried to let him know what I need from him. Then I left to take a walk and be in nature on the gorgeous Spring like day! I knew it would help pull me back out of the hole. I walked. I cried. I sat on a bench and soaked in the beauty of God’s creation. I watched a study video. I recited scripture. I reached out to trusted friends through text and shared with them how I was feeling and asked for prayer. The enemy was trying his best to stop me from doing all those things. But God. His presence is greater and thankfully my friends were able to speak truth and promise to me. Having trusted, safe, truth speaking friends is so important. Those you can go to without judgement. The ones who will listen, love, encourage, and speak truth. I still cried. I was still sad but I was not alone. I have medication for the times where I don’t feel like I can get my anxiety under control. I don’t like to take it. I have medicine anxiety so to take it I have to really be at a place where I recognize I need more help in getting back to a stable place. Yesterday  was one of those times I took it. It doesn’t mean I am weak. It means I am aware. It calms me. It clears my mind of the cluttered thoughts. There is no shame in needing it. Why do I share all this with you? When I share my story it may encourage you or someone else to share theirs. We ladies have a lot on our plates and minds. You are not alone. I am here. I understand the smile that hides the fear.

Blessings,
Teresa

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13 ESV

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  Isaiah 26:3 NIV